adoption, gifts from God, grief and loss

Passing Us By

It is not uncommon for some of  the most life altering events to pass us by without our realizing. That moment when the stripe turns pink and you realize you are going to be a parent is typically weeks after conception. The acceptance letter to college arrives days after it was mailed and maybe weeks after the admission board made their decision. That first meeting of someone who will one day become your best friend or spouse might not even warrant you taking much notice. Even that tragic phone call with the passing of a loved one can come hours after the fact. There are moments, days, weeks, or even years in which we live oblivious to the big moments that have already occurred and will alter life as we know it. It is our human nature to look back and wonder, “What was I doing then?” We calculate back to the day of conception or think about those blissful moments before our life shattered.

Sean came into our lives like this, and he left our life in the same manner. I could not tell you what I was doing when Sean was born, completely unaware that someone had entered the world that would change my life forever 15 years down the line. And when he left the world in a similar quietness, he left me blissfully unaware of the pain that was soon to come. Part of me is sad that I cannot go back and know exactly what I was doing at that very moment, but I suppose it is okay. In the quiet mystery, there is deep truth. A sovereign God, who knows all things, is still in control. My knowing or not knowing does not alter the course of such things. Maybe a few more oblivious days/hours of life as I knew it was simply a gift to hold off my sorrow for a moment more.

A year has passed since Sean’s death, but this is a date that I am grateful doesn’t stick in my memory quite like it should. My memories of Sean, however, will never fade.

adoption, Christian, grief and loss, loss, parenting teens, Uncategorized

Reckless Love

Here is the backwards way about life: the more deeply you live and the more deeply you love, the more deeply you hurt. Loving is messy and at times excruciatingly hard. You don’t get to choose the outcome; love is always a risk. I am not always a happy person because I have chosen vulnerable love. On the contrary, I am often sad. There are just so many more opportunities to be hurt. When God calls us out of the boat onto the waves, I do not think He so much cares if we can walk on water. Rather He calls us close enough to where HSeane can hold us through the storm.

16 years ago we could have chosen comfortable over reckless; lots of people questioned our choice. Had we chosen the easy road, our hearts would not be broken now. Our kids hearts would not be broken now. But messy, vulnerable, risky love changes the world, changes our worlds. We risked love, and we didn’t get The Blind Side ending, we just got blind sided. Yet still, we were privileged to see a young man grow up. We were able to become love for him. We got to be a part of so many other lives of people that we would never have met without him.

Best. Choice. Ever!

Even in the brokenness, Jesus, still I will follow you!