I can’t seem to fall asleep tonight. I know I should drink less caffine at night, and going to bed earlier then usual just because your husband does, won’t help you fall asleep. So I got back up after mentally telling off some woman that I never met in my head for about the 5th time. I’m stuck on this phone call I got the other day, that wasn’t even for me, it was for my husband, but it made me so furious. This woman, who I think is full of crap, is expecting my husband to do more then he already has been doing for his mother, on top of all the other things in life, like his job and his kids, and ministry, etc. I thought of a few things I would like to say to her, but the reality is that I won’t say them. Partly, because I’m a bit wimpy, and my cruel side tends to only come out when I am more directly provoked. I actually feel bad that i didn’t tell her off, and then I feel bad that I am not desiring a more Godly approach, that I want to have done the wrong thing. It’s a Catch 22.
My other major concern for the week is that my hands look old. I have gotten past the grey hair and the laugh lines on my face here and there, but my hands look old. I don’t know when that happened. It is such an insignificant thing to make me sad, but it really does. It’s that “what have you to show for your life” moment. Wyoming: Lowest person per acre ratio in the nation. Very appealing to me. Perhaps Kansas, “there is no place like home.” I know my skin won’t get younger if I move, but perhaps my heart will. Perhaps my kids can gorw up somewhere where there is still clean air, and woods to play in, and trees to climb that are taller then 10 feet. Perhaps my heart will get younger watching them play in a place like I grew up. Perhaps I feel like if I can invest the right amount of time in them and help them to grow up well, then they will grow up to be godly, and I will have done something with my life. Perhaps I just can’t face my own short comings and running away seems fun. Perhaps I don’t know what I am saying, but I like that I am still trying to figure it out.
Today I deleted my myspace account because I got so sick of the crap that my own friends put up on their pages, and their friends pages. I have lost the desire to look, because I can not change it. I feel like you can only subject yourself to a limited amount of crap in an attempt to change it before you stop exposing yourself to it and find a different approach to the change. I don’t know what that is, but I figure I can figure that out after the fact.
On a side note, I have the best husband in the world. He is asleep right now, so I can say this. God made him for me, He brought him to me, He used him to make me a better person and for that I am grateful. I wonder what God will do with us next.