I’m definatly not the kind of person to start celebrating holidays too early. Honestly, I just don’t have the organizational skills. Yes, I shop all year for Christmas, but that’s just for sanity and bank account reasons. But tonight I pulled out the Christmas Carol sheet music to play. I always imagined my family all sitting around the piano at Christmas singing carols and drinking cocca. It’s never happened. So I thought maybe if I learned to play them on the fiddle this year I might have that moment.
I don’t feel like I’m a very good mom. I’m more of a drill sargent then a mom. I have no compassion. I’m not gentle, and kind. The only quality time I spend with my kids is either when I am teaching them (and that’s not always quality time either) or when I am reading to them. I don’t play with them almost at all. I don’t want my kids to grow up thinking that I didn’t love them. I want to be a nice, loving fun mom. I don’t understand why I just can’t be. Maybe that’s a cop out. Maybe I just don’t want it enough to be who I should be, or maybe I will always fall short here.
Back to Christmas. So on days like today when I am feeling sad, and usless, when I am on the verge or tears I find myself missing my dad. He was always so good at everything. We had such a great family. Christmas time was wonderful. So many people dread the holidays, but I never have. I want my children to think about our family the way I think about my family growing up. And so I do what I can to make life sweet for them. To make life sweet for others.
As I played through a few of the songs I thought about why I love music. I know my fiddle squeaks and some of the notes are wrong, but as I play the sound is all mine. I make that music. It is much like life. It is not always sweet sounding, but it’s something that I have made. Good, bad and indifferent. Some blues, some jazz, some country, some rock and some Christmas carols.
Here’s the best line I read tonight. “Above the deep and dreamless sleep the silent stars go by. Yet in thy dark streets shineth the everlasting light. The hopes and fears of all the years are met in thee tonight.”
My dad might not be here, but my Dad is.